I open the garage door on a daily basis to pull out bikes and equipment, when you are a family of five it is easy fill a small garage, 5 mountain bikes, 2 road bikes, wet suits, buoyancy aids, paddle boards, surf boards bike racks and more bags and boxes of ropes and climbing gear and a ridiculous amount of DIY tools considering I am useless at it.
The problem is things don’t always get put back in the right place or any place and the more I take out the less likely it is to go back in the right place. My wife will tell you that its not just the garage, my side of the bedroom and my car, generally resemble the chaos that is my mind.
My current understanding of what PTSD is, seems to be my brains lack of ability to put memories in the right part of my brain, it is a bit like trying understand where I put my climbing shoes. Apparently for some reason the brain miss files traumatic experiences resulting in parts of the brain being over stimulated and other parts being made redundant.
My growing internal reluctance to tidying my mind, mirrors the same reluctance I have to tidying the garage, I always find it easier to close the door and go and buy the things I am looking for ( don’t tell my wife because she always finds me out when she ends up organising my tools and finds 3 hammers and more screw drivers than anyone man can use).
This isn’t really about my garage, this is about my already growing anxiety of attending my counselling session next Tuesday it is starting to feel like tomorrow.
I know I need to re-arrange the chaos but I already don’t want to open the door.