Its a while since I tried to write about how I am doing, the truth is, it feels like writing about recovery seems impossible, when nothing is moving forward, when all the things you know don’t work.
Starting counselling has been the hardest thing I have ever done, it is hard to describe how it makes you feel, apart from NUMB.
If anyone asked you to go to your dentist and have your teeth drilled with no painkillers you would run a mile because you know it would hurt like hell.
Going back week after week, It feels harder to keep fighting even though people say it is for the best.
In nursing we tell people things will get worse before they get better, but when does the worse stop!!! when does it get better.
Its hard to see out of this whole, to see what is on the horizon, to get a glimpse of the future.
It feels like nothing is going to be the same again… when everything feels like your trudging through the thickest heaviest mud… nothing is going to be the same again.
Having completed some hard events over the years in the mountains you go through hard times, on a 50 km Mountain race I hit the bottom of a hill at 21 miles, I remember sitting on the grass exhausted, contemplating quitting and walking away from the race, I knew I had 7 miles of up hill to do, my legs were sore and I was so tired. I was struggling to take in food and couldn’t see a way out.
I took a pack of nuts out of my bag, put my bag on my back and started taking one step at a time, for 7 miles I was having to fight every negative thought in my head telling me to quit, that I shouldn’t be there, that I wasn’t good enough.
They may have been right but I kept on walking, as if trudging through mud every footstep taking every ounce of energy… eventually the top of the hill came, overcome but not beaten.
Stuck is only a position, hopefully step by step, slowly but surely I may overcome and not be beaten.